A homework assignment from my therapist

 

I am a strong woman. Like, my arms are mostly pure muscle. My legs are jiggly but still strong. I am a good mom. I genuinely enjoy my children and spending time with them. OK, that counts, but let's think more about who I am outside of being a mom. Like that homework assignment my therapist gave me weeks ago…Maybe I could meditate on that for a few, actually…since I'm here, writing.

OK, so, who I am outside of being a mom:

I am a strong woman. I am a creature who loves my own company. I am an entertainer of myself. I am an entertainer of myself that loves hard. I am a girl who gives away much, but the truest form of who I am stays with me. There is a part of me that I simply do not give away. It is the deepest vulnerability in my soul. It is the part that only I am allowed to know. It's not that there is a deep dark secret there; it's just that I can only ugly laugh in front of some people. And I mean that figuratively and literally. It's like, If I bare all in front of someone, and then that person makes fun of me or hurts me, then I feel a bit foolish that I ever trusted them at all, now seeing this mean side of them. Meanness, to me, is the truest form of rejection. If my lover were ever mean to me, a little piece of me would die. In four years almost, he never has been, and I love that about him. He is the kindest, most gentle soul. 

I am someone who is interested in much but lacks follow through, so yes, I have a guitar, but can I still play the same few songs that I knew how to play years ago? Also yes. Oh, what's that? The embroidery kit in the closet, I just had to have a water inspector come to our house and give us a free Amazon card for the visit just to buy it, but there it sits, and has it been for the last several months? Ya, I'll get to that one day. Surely I will, though. That cake decorating kit that you bought and watched all the YouTube videos on? It's there for when I need it. (Only I can make fun of myself) 

I do love making things from scratch. It is part of my dream/ vision for the future. When I don't have to work anymore, I will grow my own food and bake my own bread. I will make a little haven house that I rarely have to leave if I don't want to. And I won't.

I am a woman who strives to help others. Truly. I just feel weird talking about it because I feel like it takes away from doing it at all. My heart truly breaks for the addict on the street, the injustice in the world, and the "least of these." I worked as a server for years, but my spirit yearned for a more impactful way to pay my bills. Although helping people enjoy their special occasions was honorable at times, and I was very skilled, I needed to be doing more.

I am, however, a woman who has concluded that there is just. So. Much. Beauty. In. The. Mundane. Like so much. As much as we want to live our lives full of purpose and bounty and come to some strange conclusion that we have some big life purpose, we live to simply exist, and the mundane is where the truest beauty is found. It's where real life happens, and the best memories are made. It's the space in time when you are your true self. The world requires so many masks. So many situations in which I need to be "on." Home is where the mundane happens, and it is truly where I feel the most at peace. At home, with my peeps, or myself. It doesn't matter because I'm going to relish in both. 

I am a homebody, then.

I am an educator, although I never reach to my occupation to be the first thing that defines me. But I am, in many ways.

I am nervous. I'm anxious.

I'm funny if you like humor on the drier side.

I am intentional with my love.

I am considerate to strangers and my family alike.

I am growing.

I am loved and valued by many.

I am an artist/creator in many forms. I paint, I write, and I play a little bit of guitar, harmonica, tambourine, drums, and piano. I create mixed media art, home decor, and "crafts" I sew my own clothes, I make embroidery art, and I photograph everything.

I am a deep thinker who keeps most of them to myself.

And I often prejudge people, something I am trying to unlearn.

I am growing. I truly am. I am changing the course of myself and my family for the better. For the so much better. I am like a pioneer woman.

An old friend used to call me that when I lived on the farm. I grew my own food and hauled wood to heat the house in the winter. I foraged wild edibles and used what I found in family meals.

I am still a forager. I enjoy studying the plants around me and researching what they can be used for.

I am a lover. A lover for another, but in giving that love, I am receiving it myself. I am part of a reciprocal love affair with myself and one other, my one true love.

I am fortunate to have found this love. 

I am someone who has the capabilities to build the life she wants and is currently doing so in her life.